Struggling with my insecurities.

  There is always more then just a face, Our generation lacks to see what inner beauty is. Instead we look for tight stomachs and toned legs and hair that has a bounce suited for a Pantene commercial. 

As a generation we have failed. 

Not just for the young girls of our future, but for the women who say ” I love who I am, skinny or not” then starve to fit into a size 10. I know that God made everyone of us beautiful. So I don’t wear makeup to enhance my looks or cut my hair to shape my face. I still fall in the majority and look in the mirror and see that my waist isn’t small and my love handles hanging over my size XL panties. 

But insecurity doesn’t come from just your body and how you see yourself. It what people have done to you and demonstrated how they see you. For year I have been up and down about my weight. For year I took drastic measures to be a curvy Latina this world expects. Only to look in the mirror and see myself as the 210lb 20 year old who will always have chubby cheeks. I fought for my husbands attention on a daily with images of girls with little self value but body that look were put together in Photoshop. 

It hurts to hear how man will say anything about a women not knowing what they have in front of them. Hearing thing as “she’s covered in stretch marks” or “look at her saggy butt” only to realize my butt is perked and my stretch mark deformed my Stomach. But it always the excuse ” you had a child, that makes it okay” I had a child so it excuses my imperfections yet not your urge to seek those women who flaunt it all for the World Wide Web. 

There self value is just as much as my self confidence. Little to nothing. I learned to tuck and hide my flaws . But I knew what is underneath it all, SHAME.  
I live in Shame not of my body but of the insecurities that I have of it, I have compared myself to every ex-lover, ex-girlfriend and every stranger that caught the attention of the man I married,to see the weight difference, the difference in hair and maintenance. I will never feel or be enough. No matter how hard I work as wife or mother. I have learned to be not enough not for him but for myself. My struggle isn’t who I am, it’s who you show who I am.